WARNING: This journal holds some disturbing things about ME, so, you might not want to read this... I'm venting.

Where to begin...?

I had to wait till my mom left for work because I never wanna cry infront of her, of all people, and I don't want her to hug me & stuff like I remembered from last time when she found out a secret that I kept for many years. Yes, I was suicidal, call me a coward, whatever you want, however, it does not help and it will NOT help those who are, in fact, suicidal, I know this, I went through it then I pulled myself out of it. I had my IRL friends telling me how to properly kill myself with the razor since I was a 'newb' at it and didn't know much... Do you know how sad that is? Your best friend to tell you THAT? And show little to no concern, well, maybe she was uncomfortable, but I never spoke to her again about ANY of my situations nor to anyone else, all except for one person, but I think she was more of a gossiper... So, I didn't give her any details of my goddamn life.

Jeez, I haven't cried for many months... almost a year now, I think? It feels good to let it all out but I know it won't make things change unless I take some action.

I have trust issues. Deal with it. But why am I suddenly writing this? Oooh, I'm just sick of holding it back, all this anger, frustration, depression, everything. I want someone who cares to know, anyone, even if it won't change my life much, though, it still is good to know that someone out there cares about me in this fucked up world.

My past?
When I was two years old, my birth-dad died on me from peunmonia (sp?), so I was told, but the things I hear about him from my mom... I wish that he was alive, he seems to be a good person even if he was a manwhore, yes, a manwhore, he went around banging other chicks. I have a sister who has the same dad as me but I NEVER see her. Heh. And her sister... has the same name as me, "Katie", I feel like I was replaced. BUTTTT, I'm happy with my little sister (Mel a.k.a Virali), we're close and sometimes we say some hurtful things to one another, however, we stick up one another and this is a bond that cannot be broken so easily.
After the death of my dad, my mom met another guy, though, he was an alcoholic/Pedo/druggie/Abusive (he was beating on my mom)/manwhore/the father of my little sister. At the age around 4-5, I was molested by the bastard, same with my handi-cap sister, but luckily, I have it blocked out cause it was so traumatic, though... there's one memory I have and I get sick to my stomach when I see it, we had bunks, I was on top and my handi-cap sister was on bottom... I saw him naked with her, his and her's expression... I was scared, I think I tried to go down the stairs, I think I was naked too, I can't remember, to go warn my mom but then he yelled at me angrily and I was so scared. My childhood, I remember always being scared and stressed out, maybe that's why I'm such a timid child IRL and why I'm so scared of people, especially men? Perhaps. WHAT HAPPENED? Went to court, I told my mom about him, thank god I did, otherwise, who knows what would of happened to us. But... we got no justice, they didn't believe me 'cause I was a little kid and couldn't believe my older sister (handi-cap one) cause she was special needs... Do you know how awful that is? Oh, apparently, the asshole lives in the outskirts of the place we moved to... Fucking beautiful, isn't it? Justice is FAILURE. They don't give a rats ass about ANYONE. My mom took me to a pyschologist when I was 10-13 years old, I think, but I never told the person anything personal, nothing about what happened to me, why would I, right? I didn't think all this stuff happened to me, I thought it was just my handi-cap sister but my mom told me and I was shocked. I had it blocked out but when she told me about it, I started to remember some things. I hate it. I hate life.

The only person that was like a father-figure to me, my step-dad; Ron, died of cancer when I was young, yet again, people seem to drift from me, dying or fading. I'm not going to go on a list of some of the people who died in my life... or even the bad luck I seem to have, as well as my family. We're cursed.

And so, at the age of 12 or 13, I started to think suicidal thoughts, even dreaming it, becoming depressed, hating myself, learning to hate everything in my life but trying my hardest to believe that there are some actual good people in life. At age 14-16 (that's when I started to play Furcadia), I was hurting myself, attempting death, but being stopped by my little sister, the one person in this goddamn world who LISTENED to me and tried to make me feel better. No wonder I follow her around like some loyal puppy and trying my best to protect her from ANYONE, not to mention why I always forgive her for all the things she says or does to me. Plus, I hurt her too, without realizing it though and that's why I also hate myself even more. I HATE MYSELF. Mmk?

I was born as a loner, that's what I think, sure, I've had friends but everytime I did... I'd always move away to a different place then I finally stopped trying to make some when I knew that I'd just leave them again and again. Sure... I have my friends msn and on facebook but they moved on and made new friends, drifting away from me again. Grr... I can never stick up for myself sometimes but when it comes to other people, I don't hesitate! WTH IS WRONG WITH ME? Maybe, I find myself worthless? I don't know! Maybe I should go see a therapist.... though.... that will cost money, which I don't have, unless... I bring up the old case about that Abusive man who molested my sister and I... but... I don't think I'd be able to do it, I'd just start bawling up on the stand and not able to speak, like before, I know it, I'm an emotional person )x


Why do I push others away?
Because I'm afraid of them knowing about me. Afraid that'd they end up leaving me. Hating me, just as I hate myself.

Blaaaah, maybe this is why I can't sleep very well, I worry about EVERY little thing in my life, but I love to sleep too, however, it's always depressing dreams that I can actually relate to. There were a few good ones, mostly about me soaring in the skies and having this feeling of happiness, exhilerating, I want to feel that again, I miss it so much.

Why am I always on Furcadia?
It was a place where I can leave all my worries and be able to smile again, some of the people on there are amazing, especially the ones I've become friends with. Like Marmar for instance, she's always making me laugh and feel so much happier when she's being her hyperactive and weird self, making me forget of what the hell I was so angry/depressed about, I know she has some problems irl too, I hope that I'm able to make her laugh too<3! There are so many other people too, I adore them so much because they give me sort of a reason to stay, they're more than just any ol' rp buddies, they're my friends:









I love you all. Thanks for sticking with me and bringing that smile back onto my face again!

I find it pathetic of me that I find my furc friends more special than my so called irl "friends" xD.... If I had the money and a car... and a license, I'd so visit them. -creeper-


Soo... err... I think I should stop writing before I get even more personal or even worry those who DO care about me -twitch-

Now, you know a lot about me.

~+Bring me a Hero+~: [link]

Sidenote: ALSO, I apologise for taking so long with the ports for TEA, I've just not been feeling motivated lately. I know that some of you are looking forward to it and can't wait >_<

I'm probably going to regret ever putting this journal up, I almost did put something personal up, like this one, wrote it all out, but ended up erasing all of it. I actually did it this time. -twitch-